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The value of any approach to parenting is determined by these two questions:

The following situations come from real examples which have been presented to us, usually in one of the courses. We offer them because know the BEF approach has been effective in making a difference when applied by the parents. Click the question to link with the answer:

Question 1: “My 10 year old boy has just broken up at the end of a school year and is a total misery! Even though the weather is nice he won’t go out and play. Several of his friends from school, who were a little older, are now moving up to secondary school and he is complaining that he has no friends!”

Question 2: My daughter is 14 and has announced that she wants to have a tattoo. I’m unhappy about it, but her father is absolutely livid and refuses to talk with her until she changes her mind. What can I do?

Question 3: Not sure what to do with the kids. My eldest son managed to pull the net key out of his computer which links the broadband wireless connection and break it. So he’s got no Internet! Help! I’m at the end of my tether with him at the moment...and it’s the school holidays! What can I do?

Question 4: “I have two teenage daughters, 14 and 16. My 14 year old wants to come home at the same time as my 16 year old, feeling she is just as mature and responsible. I am at my wits end because she won’t listen to me or her sister and comes in when she pleases. I don’t know where she has been, or who she is with, and I feel I have no control over her. Whenever I try to talk to her it ends up in an argument.”

BEF Approach to Question 1

It sounds like he is really cut up about losing his friends, and doesn’t yet have enough life experience to know that he can soon find new friends - but probably not while he is being miserable! The first thing you need to ask yourself is: “is this my problem or his problem?” Caring parents often, mistakenly, think that it’s their responsibility to solve the problem for their child without realising that the very best thing they can do is encourage the child to solve it for themselves. Each problem they solve will be a step towards becoming a responsible adult. It’s not your job to fix it, but you can be a catalyst to help him fix it!

Be a good listener, in a way that will help him feel safe to open up and talk about it his feelings, something boys don’t always do very well! When listening, don’t put a block in the way with comments like ‘It’ll be alright’, ‘Come on, it happens to everybody!’, ‘There are plenty more people around to be friends!’ etc. While there may be truth in these statements, this is not the time or place to say them...it will just stop him from talking. He needs to sense from you that it’s ok to feel unhappy at his loss (after all, he’s grieving!); in fact, it’s quite

natural and would be more worrying if he didn’t feel the loss! Letting him see that you take his problem seriously, puts you in a good position to be his ‘consultant’ when he is ready to move on. Ask some open questions that will prompt him to start searching for some solutions, eg ‘What about the children who are staying on?’, ‘Who else do you know you would like to do something with?’. If he needs a little more prompting, try telling him a story that puts an idea across to him. Put it in the 3rd person, tell it simply and let him draw his own conclusions from it. You could start, ‘When I was about your age, I knew a boy who was going through your experience. He.....” Far more gentle than giving him your opinion, and still leaves him plenty of opportunity for creative thought!

One thing is for sure, this is the kind of situation where you will have to give him some of your time to help him through this, and be patient as he learns how to solve this social problem; and it won’t be the last time he will have to do this in his lifetime!

Key BEF concepts:

BEF Approach to Question 2

This could be a problem about a tattoo, piercing, clothing style, or any other interest or preference for a teenager. Usually, the problem arises because of the different values preferred by each generation. There are three essential questions to ask:

It is always important to establish the nature of a conflict: is this about values or mutual needs being disrespected or unrecognised? Each requires a different solution, in the way a fire needs the appropriate extinguisher - or else you risk making the fire worse! Which parental need is being threatened by this course of action? The need to be in control? The need to protect? If you see these as real needs, they most likely come from your own insecurities. Controlling breeds resentment, and the best way to protect is to encourage your child, by trusting and interaction, to reach an informed (and adult) decision of their own. This prepares them for life when you’re not around! Unless there would be a tangible and detrimental effect on you which prevents a legitimate need of yours being met, this kind of issue is a clash of values.

While this is a value, or preference, issue for her, it is probably also something she wants because she has the human need of peer acceptance (as do you!). You need to understand what makes this so important for her, and responsive listening may be the best way to find this out. Ask yourself where you get your values and opinions from, and reflect on the fact that they will have changed over the years.

The third question is the bottom line: which of these two things is the most important to you? The short term clash of values or long term quality of relationship? Getting this clear in your mind will make a huge difference to your attitude and way of dealing with the issue. Imposing your will or dishonestly backing the decision when you have strong feelings against it will both breed resentment - from her to you, and from you to her. The chances are she may have moments of doubt about it, too, but her pride won’t let her acknowledge this and talk about it unless she feels your acceptance of her whatever decision she makes. If she asks your advice, put it in the form of a story in the 3rd person; eg, “I knew a girl who had this done as a teenager, and she really went on to regret it 10 years later when fashions had changed.....” Then leave her make up her own mind! Use an ‘I-Message’ to express your concerns with honesty. And, just as you have changed your mind about styles and fashions before yourself, recognise with some humility that with greater understanding you might even change your mind over this! At the end of the day, there are some things we cannot change, and it is wiser to learn to accept those things - and each other’s differences - and live in peace...because that enhances our relationships with each other. Incidentally, this is also true for you and your partner, and it is ok that you don’t see eye to eye on this matter, and it is also ok that your daughter knows that. She will learn more about life from two people who love each other and accept their differences graciously than two people who dishonestly present a united front!

Key BEF concepts:

BEF Approach to Question 3

Like it or not, computers are a major component in modern day life and, with appropriate boundaries, can be a godsend to a parent in the school holidays! It isn’t clear if the broken net key interferes with any other computer in the house, especially those used by other children in the family; if so, it may have other implications beyond our present response.

One of the most important lessons a child needs to learn when growing up is that every action has a consequence, and we all need to take responsibility for our actions. We protect our children from working through the consequences of their action at their loss! Whether the key was removed by accident or on purpose, the result is much the same: no Internet! boredom! frustration! As it is a problem he has created for himself, he will learn by being given the responsibility of solving it. It might also present some secondary problems to the parent, such as the cost of a new key, knock on implications with the other children, and a frustrated and bored child.

In this situation a combination of I-Messages and Responsive Listening is required. He needs to feel supported without being handed solutions. Listen to his frustration to give him the feeling of support, and be ready to tell him that his action (describe it simply) also has a real consequence for you (cost, extra demand on time, rowdy kids) and what your feelings are (angry, frustrated, disappointed). Don’t try to demand or solve....it may not have occurred to him that his action effects you and letting him in on your feelings and tangible costs may be enough, combined with his own need, to stimulate him into action. If not, some open, non-demanding questions would be a good next stage that will help make clear you are

expecting him to solve the problem himself. For example, ‘What would be a good remedy for the situation?’ and, ‘How will you find/earn the money for a new key?’ (This might be a good moment to suggest some jobs at home, outside of normal chores, for which you could pay him...which might also relieve his boredom!)

If he doesn’t rise to this challenge, because your needs are effected too, you might have to sit down with him in a problem solving session using a method we call the WinWinWay. Put simply, having reached an understanding of each other’s needs, you will brainstorm all possible solutions and agree on the one that will be followed. Key to success here is that you take his ideas seriously and motivate him so that he finds a solution he welcomes and will be motivated to achieve. Should he (or you!) fail to follow up with your agreed course of action each of you has the right to come back and challenge the other. The heart of the WinWinWay is that no-one is trying to win in a conflict at the expense of the other, and recognises that nobody in life likes to lose.

If your child has been used to you solving his problems it will take him a while - and a few crises! - to realise that you are now expect him to work it out for himself. Most children, once given that responsibility, actually enjoy the challenge of solving their problems (even more than playing on the Internet!)...and take some major strides towards growing up in the process!

Key BEF Concepts:

BEF Approach to Question 4

As always, the starting point with this situation is to ask, ‘Who’s got the problem?’. Is staying out late a problem to the girl? No, she’s probably having a great time meeting her social needs! It is clearly a problem for the parent and, whenever we have a problem with our child’s behaviour, we must ask ourselves, ‘What makes this a problem for me?’ Quite often we may find out that we are being needlessly fearful or stringent...after all, we are trying to grow an adult here! It might help this parent to discover more about her daughter’s world...and the key word here is ‘discover’ not ‘interrogate’. This is best done by Responsive Listening which will demonstrate a genuine desire to understand her world in a non judgemental way. Once the daughter feels it is safe, she may talk about her world, and mum may find that her friends are actually quite careful and sensible, aware of safety issues and the need to stick together. Of course, it also has to be said that there may be good grounds for concern for this 14 year old!

Those concerns are best voiced with an honest I-Message, eg ‘When you stay out late and I don’t know where you are, I am sick with worry in case something terrible has happened to you, and I can’t sleep waiting for you to come home’. We forget that our child is still growing up and hasn’t got the benefit of adult experience to see things as clearly as we might - and she certainly doesn’t know what it is like to be a parent! An honest expression like this from a parent often leads to a new understanding from the child and, at least, opens up

a discussion where using the WinWinWay principle you can begin to find a solution that leaves you both happy.

But before the Responsive Listening and I-Messages have a hope of working, there has to be a change to the atmosphere in the home to transform it from a battleground to a non-threatening environment. Short term, try ‘Press Pause’. Just as you freeze the frame with the remote control on your DVD player by pressing ‘Pause’, when you find yourself in a situation that experience tells you will run away from you and end up in a fight or stalemate, ‘Press Pause’. Stop yourself in that situation; listen to what your heart and mind tell you is going on for you and your child; think, ‘what else can I do instead of what I usually do(or say)?’; and, act differently! You’re the adult, be big enough to take the initiative and hold back. Once you do this, your child - who won’t expect it - will hesitate and stop to think about what she is doing too. A smile, a pleasant comment,  an affirming comment will all help build a more positive atmosphere in the home because your child will sense that your motive is not to control but that of genuine concern. Respect her life, her world and she may begin to respect you and your world. Give respect and you will get respect - don’t expect it as a right!

Key BEF concepts:

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